I am the "Fool on the Hill"; "I am The Walrus" and "The Eggman"; I am "The Eye of the Tiger" and "The King of the Hill". I am an Enigma and a Mystery ... I am the Guru of The Cosmic Cauldron.



This Month's Column Is Adults Only

*** So pack the Rug Rats away. make sure your older children are camped infront of the DVD player and if you allow them to read passed this point ...then, don't blame me! You're the parent! ***


As it is Beltane here in the Southern Hemisphere and the Fertility Festival time and as I have been putting up with a lot of "Dickheads" lately, I thought this was appropriate

The Penis Poem

(Rated R)

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

The Greatest Heathen/ Pagan Rite of ALL

Forget Beltane! Forget Samhain! Stuff Halloween! Tuesday here in Australia is the greatest Pagan Rite/ Festival/ Celebration of them ALL! It is MELBOURNE CUP Day! The ole Guru loves nothing better than a cold beer and a bet and what better way to enjoy a warm sunny spring day than to partake of the Sport of Kings. The Race that stops a Nation it is called and it is the only time that Christians, Moslems, Buddhist and Pagans celebrate together here in the land Downunder.

Unless you're a wowser, everyone except small children has a few dollars each way and try their luck and intuition so answer me this question:

"Do you feel Lucky, Punk? Well do ya ... ?"

My Prediction
  1. Gallopini (14)

2. Mad Rush (8)

3. Newport (17)





"I was going to gamble on "Itchy Back" but it got Scratched!"


Memo to Guru: Consider yourself Bitten!

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